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☕️ GM Munchers! You ever notice how a good trade feels like winning an argument with your wife? Rare. Glorious. And you better enjoy it quietly.

On today’s menu:

• 📉 Coinbase Hacked, UnitedHealth Tanks & Powell Talks

• 🍿 Tasty Movers & Shakers

• ✅ Gold Popped 1.8% Yesterday — Here’s Why

• 🤑 Could Bitcoin Hit $1 Million This Year?

• 🚀 The Yen Continues To Surge

Yesterday’s numbers:

BREAKING NEWS

📉 Coinbase Hacked, UnitedHealth Tanks & Powell Talks

Yesterday was one of those days.

Jerome Powell said words, and Wall Street immediately forgot how to behave. UnitedHealth is getting slapped around like it owes the market money. Meanwhile, Coinbase left the back door open, and surprise—hackers walked right in.

Grab your coffee, traders. It’s chaos o’clock.

‼️ Powell Talks. Markets Listen.

Jerome Powell spoke today, and while he didn’t drop rate bombshells, his message was clear: the days of ultra-low rates are over.

The Fed’s rethinking its entire playbook after getting blindsided by post-pandemic inflation. Powell hinted we’re in for a future with higher rates and more surprises (hello, supply shocks).

No immediate policy changes, but traders should expect a bumpier road ahead. Forget hoping for cheap money to come back — the Fed’s gearing up for long-term rate pain.

🧵 Plain-English Play: It meant nothing yesterday. But moving forward, higher rates for longer means a stronger dollar and the cheap money that our stocks love isn’t coming back soon.

😬 UnitedHealth Just Can’t Catch a Break

Another day, another faceplant for $UNH ( ▲ 0.02% ).

The stock dropped another 11% today after the DOJ revealed it’s digging into alleged Medicare fraud. Basically, they're investigating if UnitedHealth juiced their billing to squeeze extra $$$ from taxpayers. Yikes.

But that’s just the latest brick in this dumpster fire. In the last month, they’ve had:

• A CEO resignation (always bullish… for lawsuits).

• Pulled their 2025 outlook (translation: “We have no idea what’s happening”).

• Congressional heat, FTC probes, AI abuse claims, and oh yeah—a cybersecurity fiasco.

The result? A 50%+ stock wipeout in a month, vaporizing $400B in market cap.

Wall Street’s asking if it can get worse. Traders know: it always can.

🧵 Plain-English Play: $400B in revenue, 25% ROE, 15% EPS growth forecast.
Is this a buying opportunity?
As Monish Pabrai puts it: “Find what’s hated. That’s where the gold is.”

❌ Coinbase Got Hacked. Here’s What You Need to Know.

Hackers bribed overseas contractors, slipped into Coinbase’s systems, and walked out with sensitive customer data: names, addresses, SSN fragments, ID images, even transaction histories.

On May 11, they demanded $20M ransom. Coinbase said no—and flipped it on them, offering $20M to catch the hackers.

No passwords or private keys were stolen. Customer funds are safe. But the stolen data has been used for phishing scams tricking people into sending their own money to attackers.

Roughly 100,000 customers (less than 1% of users) were affected. Coinbase pledged to reimburse anyone fooled.

Damage control won’t be cheap: the fallout could cost Coinbase $180M–$400M.

Despite the hit, Coinbase’s “zero ransom, full transparency” response earned them some rare cybersecurity street cred. But the bill’s coming due.

🧵 Plain-English Play: Stock dropped 7% on the news. Looks like a short-term dip — we see opportunity here (but not financial advice).

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MARKET OVERVIEW

🍿 Tasty Movers & Shakers

$TM ( ▲ 1.77% ) Toyota expects a 21% profit drop this year. The market shrugged — stock’s only down 5% YTD. Apparently, nobody told the bears.

$WMT ( ▼ 0.14% ) Walmart says tariffs will force price hikes on essentials like avocados, bananas… and toys. Get ready for some expensive fruit salad.

$DE ( ▼ 0.89% ) AI might be coming for jobs, but not your tractor. John Deere hit an all-time high after crushing Q2 earnings. The market loves it—probably because AI still can’t mow a field.

$SPOT ( ▼ 4.11% ) Spotify’s up a casual 40% this year. Why? 2024 was their first profitable year ever. Turns out Wall Street loves a company that finally learns how to stop lighting cash on fire.

$AUDJPY ( ▼ 0.38% ) The Yen keeps flexing—up again as AUDJPY dropped another 1%. Japan’s central bank is hinting at higher rates, and forex traders know the drill: higher rates = stronger Yen.

$AAPL ( ▼ 0.24% ) Apple was flat, but Trump stirred things up, saying he had “a little problem with Tim Cook” over building iPhones in India. Stay tuned for more trade drama.

$META ( ▲ 0.23% ) drops 3% after hours after they announced the delay of their flagship AI model.

Enjoying this? Let us know.

If this section hit the spot (or missed it), hit reply and tell us. A simple “I like it, bro” goes a long way. Or roast us — we can take it.

Your feedback = better content = you making smarter trades. Fair trade, right?

COMMODITIES

Gold Popped 1.8% Yesterday — Here’s Why

Gold shot up 1.8% yesterday, and it wasn’t just vibes.

Blame a weak US dollar. Retail sales for April came in at a measly +0.1% (way below expectations), jobless claims stayed stubborn, and small business confidence? Tanking.

All that bad news dragged the dollar down — and when the dollar dips, gold shines.

But it wasn’t just fundamentals. Gold bounced hard off $3,125, smashed through resistance at $3,200, and that triggered a wave of short-covering.

Translation: bears got smoked. 🐻 

With most traders already long gold, momentum took over and pushed prices higher.

🧵 Plain-English Play: When the dollar dips, gold pops. With trade tensions and recession fears swirling, markets still prefer gold as a hedge—better than stockpiling toilet paper (again).

TRADING STATS

😍 The Funded Trader Index

Payout of the day? $4,000. Yes, it hit the bank, not “pending.”

On average, it takes 12.2 trades to pass — which means some of y’all are passing while others are…still “learning.”

One trader fumbled $9,998 in an hour. Another bagged $9,450.

Same market. Different stories. Stay sharp.

PROP FIRMS

🤑 Friday Motivation

🚀 Pre-Market Fuel

1. 🤑 The odds of Bitcoin hitting $1 million this year have risen to 4%.

2. ❌ Nearly 50% of fund managers say that gold is overvalued right now.

3. 😬 Serious student loan delinquencies are skyrocketing.

4. 😂 If you love Bitcoin, you’ll love these Crocs.

5. 🇷🇺 Russia is showing Bitcoin on their balance sheet.

🍪 Munchy Memes

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