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📉 Job Market Crashes
Pip Munch
December 17, 2025
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☕️ GM Munchers! If you're feeling bad about your trades, just remember: at least you're not the guy who sold Tesla at $220 in April (it was us, we're the guy).
On today’s menu:
📉 Job Market Crashes & Elon Goes Parabolic
🛢️ Oil's Having an Identity Crisis
🚀 Estee Lauder Gets A Boost
😬 Costco Hits Lowest Price Since August 2024
😢 Pfizer’s Numbers Are Hurting
Yesterday’s numbers:
S&P 500 | 6,800 | -0.24% |
Nasdaq | 23,111 | +0.23% |
Dow Jones | 48,114 | -0.62% |
Bitcoin | $87,600 | +1.39% |
BREAKING NEWS
📉 When the Job Market Forgot How to Job
The unemployment rate just climbed to 4.6%—the highest level since September 2021—and markets responded by throwing a collective tantrum worthy of a toddler denied candy.
Here's the disaster reel: November added a pathetic 64,000 jobs (healthcare carried 70% of that weight because apparently everyone else forgot hiring was a thing). Meanwhile, October's numbers got revised to show a loss of 105,000 jobs. Not a typo. An actual contraction.
The kicker? Those revisions keep getting worse. August lost 26,000 jobs, September shed 11,000. It's like watching someone slowly admit they've been lying on their resume for months.
Markets looked at this economic face-plant and did what they do best: sold everything. The Dow dropped 350 points faster than your confidence after revenge-trading a Friday session.
The Munch Take:
Rising unemployment + weak job growth = the Fed's got ammunition to cut rates if things spiral. Sure, rate cuts are good for markets, but hard to celebrate dovish policy when people are losing their jobs. It's like getting excited about a hospital discount while you're actively bleeding. The play here is reading the vibes correctly—and right now, we're leaning bullish despite the ugly headlines.
🚀 Elon's Net Worth > Your Entire Bloodline's Combined Earnings
Elon Musk is now worth $638 billion—more than Bezos, Zuckerberg, and Warren Buffett combined. Before you rage-tweet about billionaires like a college-aged girl, consider this: Tesla just hit $490, up 10% in five days and 29% YTD.
The catalyst?
Their Robotaxis aren't PowerPoint vaporware anymore—they're actually being tested on real roads with… Nobody inside. The market's now repricing Tesla as an AI/FSD platform instead of just an overpriced electric car company with panel gap issues.
If you bought at April's $220 lows, you're up 123%. We didn't. Still haunted by that decision.
The Munch Take: Tesla's trading at a P/E of 327—basically priced like it'll cure cancer while colonizing Mars. Great momentum trade if you caught it early. Chasing here? That's how you become a cautionary tale in a Discord trading server.
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COMMODITIES
🛢️ Oil's Having an Identity Crisis
US oil just crashed to $55/barrel—the lowest since February 2021. Trump's demanding $2/gallon gas, and with oil this weak, he might actually get it.
What's Happening:
Too much oil, not enough buyers. It's like showing up to a party where everyone brought pizza but nobody's hungry. Record supply is flooding markets while demand is tanking. Add in Trump threatening tariffs and peace talks floating around, and suddenly cheap energy looks like it's here to stay.
Why You Should Care:
Cheap oil = lower inflation = Fed keeps rates low = good news for tech stocks and anything that hates high interest rates.
When gas prices fall, everything gets cheaper. The Fed doesn't need to hike rates, and stocks that love low rates (like tech) take off. Great for growth stocks and bonds. Brutal for energy companies that need expensive oil to survive.
The Trap:
Everyone's betting oil stays cheap. But when everyone thinks the same thing in markets, watch out. One Middle East headline or OPEC surprise, and oil could explode higher, destroying anyone positioned for cheap energy.
The Munch Take:
Low oil is good for tech and growth stocks, bad for energy companies. But the setup screams "two-way risk"—meaning it could rip either direction violently. Keep your stops tight and don't get too comfortable.
MARKET OVERVIEW
🍿 Tasty Movers & Shakers
$ULCC – Frontier Airlines just fired their longtime CEO Barry Biffle, and the market responded by nuking the stock 10%. Nothing says "we're confident about this leadership transition" like investors sprinting for the exits. The stock's already down 28% YTD, so this is less "fresh start" and more "rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic."
$CURLF – Curaleaf exploded 23% after Trump said he's "very strongly" considering rescheduling marijuana via executive order. Tilray jumped 27%, Canopy Growth climbed 10%. Translation? Weed stocks are back to doing what they do best: rallying violently on hopium and political theater. We've seen this movie before. It rarely ends well, but the opening act is always entertaining.
$EL – Estée Lauder climbed 3% after Bank of America anointed it their top beauty pick for 2026. We've mentioned this stock several times (apparently we're beauty experts now). BofA thinks luxury cosmetics are poised for a comeback. We think anything up 3% on an analyst note deserves side-eye, but hey, maybe lipstick really is recession-proof.
$PFE – Pfizer dropped 3.4% after forecasting 2026 revenue below expectations because—shocker—people stopped panic-buying COVID boosters. Turns out building your entire growth story around a pandemic product has limitations. Who knew?
$COST – Costco hit its lowest price since August and is now down 5.4% YTD. Maybe it's time they finally raise that sacred $1.50 hot dog combo? (They won't. That thing's more protected than the nuclear codes.)
🚀 Pre-Market Fuel
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