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📉 Nvidia Saves the Market
Pip Munch
February 26, 2026
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☕️ GM Munchers! I watched the finale of Beast Games with my wife last night. The winner got $5 million and my wife turned to me and said "Didn't you say you'd do that with trading?" Yeah, I cried myself to sleep.
On today’s menu:
📈 Markets Discover 'Up' Still Exists as a Direction
🎮 Nvidia Just Saved the Entire Market (Again)
🎰 The Jane Street Bitcoin Conspiracy
🍟 The CEO of McDonald’s Just Issued a Warning
🏘️ Buy a House or Rent + Invest? Which is Better?
Wednesday’s numbers:
S&P 500 | 6,946 | +0.81% |
Nasdaq | 23,152 | +1.26% |
Dow Jones | 49,482 | +0.63% |
Bitcoin | $69,100 | +7.86% |
BREAKING NEWS
📈 Breaking News: Markets Discover 'Up' Still Exists as a Direction
Miracles do happen. The market actually managed to go green for two consecutive days, which feels like the first time since the invention of fire. Green everywhere you looked—stocks, crypto, even my portfolio for once.
Bitcoin led the charge, absolutely ripping 8% higher and flirting with $70K right when everyone was preparing eulogies for the sub-$60K funeral. Classic crypto move: maximum pain, then violent reversal.
The Earnings Heroes:
Cava Group: The Mediterranean fast-casual chain skyrocketed 26% after crushing earnings and crossing $1 billion in annual revenue for the first time. Turns out people will pay $15 for hummus and pita during a recession. Business model confirmed.
Axon Enterprise: The Taser and police body camera company launched 17.6% on stronger-than-expected earnings driven by AI voice-activated assistants. Nothing says "2026" like robots helping cops write reports.
The Munch Take: Risk-on mood is officially back. When restaurant stocks are ripping 26% and Bitcoin's rallying 8%, that's the market screaming "we're done panicking for now." Until next week, probably.
🎮 Nvidia Just Saved the Entire Market (Again)
The entire market held its breath for Nvidia earnings yesterday like parents waiting for their kid's report card. Good news: Jensen Huang delivered straight A's and avoided detention.
The Numbers:
Revenue: $68.1 billion (vs. $66.21 billion expected)
EPS: $1.62 (vs. $1.53 expected)
Data center revenue: $62.3 billion, up 75% year-over-year
Q1 guidance: $78 billion (vs. $72.6 billion expected)
The stock popped from $195 to over $200 in after-hours trading, and because Nvidia is basically the S&P 500 at this point, the entire market exhaled in relief.
The Munch Take: The AI bubble survives another quarter. Big Tech's $700 billion annual spending spree on AI infrastructure is still paying off—at least for Nvidia. If this earnings report had missed, we'd be writing a very different newsletter today about market apocalypse. Instead, we're cautiously optimistic and only moderately anxious.
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CRYPTO
🎰 The Jane Street Bitcoin Conspiracy: Did Wall Street Rig Crypto?
Crypto Twitter just went full tinfoil hat, and honestly? The receipts are wild.
The Allegation: Jane Street—one of Wall Street's biggest, most secretive quant trading firms—was allegedly running an algorithm that dumped Bitcoin every single morning at 10 AM EST. Every. Day. For. Months. Crash the price, liquidate retail traders, buy back cheaper, repeat.
The Evidence:
Jane Street just got sued over Terra—a massive crypto project that spectacularly collapsed in May 2022, wiping out $40 billion. The lawsuit claims Jane Street used insider information to pull out $85 million right before the whole thing blew up, essentially escaping before retail investors got crushed.
For months, traders noticed Bitcoin kept getting violently dumped every single morning at 10 AM EST—right when US stock markets open. The pattern was so consistent it became a running joke.
Now, with this Jane Street lawsuit dropping, crypto traders are connecting the dots: What if Jane Street was running a secret "10 AM dump algorithm" to crash Bitcoin, liquidate retail traders, buy back cheaper, and repeat daily? And what if they just turned it off because the lawsuit spooked them into shutting down the operation?
What Actually Happened Today: Bitcoin skyrocketed 8%, wiping out over $323 million in leveraged short positions. Retail traders who believed the "manipulator" was gone started buying aggressively, triggering a massive short squeeze.
The Reality Check: Jane Street vehemently denies everything, calling the allegations "baseless." Market analysts point out that 10 AM volatility is normal—it's when US stock markets open, Bitcoin ETFs settle, and algorithmic options hedging kicks in.
The Munch Take: Is this a grand conspiracy or just crypto traders seeing patterns in chaos? Honestly, who knows? But if one trading firm really could suppress the entire crypto market for months with a single algorithm, that's either terrifying or impressive, depending on your perspective. Either way, Bitcoin's moving again, and that's all that matters for now.
MARKET OVERVIEW
🍿 Tasty Movers & Shakers
🚀 $COIN Coinbase just announced stock trading in the US with 0% commissions, and the stock absolutely launched 13% higher. We're still holding from our April 2025 buy around $165/share, which means we're either geniuses or accidentally stumbled into a win. We'll take either.
📺️ $NFLX Netflix surged nearly 6% today because investors are genuinely relieved the company might lose its expensive bidding war for Warner Bros. Rival Paramount Skydance raised its bid to $31/share, and WBD's board acknowledged it's probably superior. Why the party? Because the Netflix acquisition would've saddled them with catastrophic debt nobody wanted + they collect a $2.8 billion breakup fee.
🍻 $GBX Apparently drinking beer is officially uncool now, or at least unprofitable. Diageo—the world's largest spirits maker—crashed 15.62% after slashing its 2026 sales and profit outlook, citing weaker demand in North America and China. The carnage spread like a hangover: Boston Beer down 3.99%, Constellation Brands down 3.07%, Molson Coors down 4.78%. Between this and everyone switching to ozempic, the alcohol industry's having an existential crisis.
📉 $CRM Salesforce continues its 2026 nightmare tour. They dropped healthy earnings yesterday and committed $50 billion to stock buybacks—which in any normal market would be celebrated—but the stock still tanked because nobody wants to touch software companies right now. AI apocalypse fears have turned the entire sector into radioactive waste. Even throwing cash at shareholders can't save you when the narrative's this toxic.
😬 $GDDY GoDaddy face-planted 14.25% despite beating fourth-quarter earnings. The crime? Softer 2026 revenue guidance. Classic market logic: "You did great, but we heard next year might be slightly less great, so we're burning your stock to the ground." Guidance is the only thing that matters anymore, and GoDaddy's wasn't inspiring enough to survive.
🚀 Pre-Market Fuel
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