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☕️ GM Munchers! I told my wife I was "taking a calculated risk" on a trade. She pointed out that I failed high school calculus. Fair point. The trade also failed, so she might be onto something.

On today’s menu:

• 📉 Record Highs, Fed Day & UNH Crash

• 👟 Nike Replaces 775 Humans With Robots

• 🏎️ Porsche, Amazon & PayPal

• 🇨🇳 China Is Buying a Ton of Gold

• 😥 Consumer Confidence Hits A New Low

Yesterday’s numbers:

BREAKING NEWS

📉 S&P 500 Hits New High Before Fed Day

The S&P 500 just touched a fresh all-time high, and everyone's feeling euphoric heading into today's Fed press conference and Mag 7 earnings bonanza. Meta, Microsoft, and Tesla all report today. Apple drops Thursday.

Here's the deal: Nobody expects a rate cut today—that's basically guaranteed. What matters is what Powell says at the press conference. One wrong word and this rally evaporates faster than my confidence in my wife’s driving.

Why this matters: The Mag 7 stocks are so massive that if they make a big move, it can be make-or-break for the entire index. These companies will give us the clearest picture of AI spending, economic health, and whether the hype matches reality.

The Munch Take: Markets are pricing in perfection right now. If Powell seems cautious about cutting rates further this year or if any Mag 7 company disappoints, this rally could become a cliff dive. Watch the headlines closely today.

❌ UnitedHealth Craters 20%: When Government Ruins Your Day

While the Nasdaq and S&P partied at all-time highs, the Dow Jones crashed nearly 500 points—all thanks to UnitedHealth getting absolutely obliterated with a 20% nosedive yesterday.

What happened: The Trump administration proposed Medicare Advantage rate increases of only 0.09% (essentially flat). Wall Street was expecting 4% to 6%. That gap between expectation and reality? That's what a profit margin funeral looks like.

But that’s not all. The company reported earnings yesterday morning and it only compounded the pain:

• Q4 earnings came in with EPS matching estimates, but revenue missed ($113.2B vs $113.7B expected)

• The company projects revenue will decline in 2026

• Still under investigation for insurance fraud claims

The Buffett angle: Warren Buffett bought UNH at around $312/share. It's now trading around $280. We've been watching this stock for months, almost pulling the trigger multiple times.

The Munch Take: This is the textbook definition of "buy when there's blood in the streets"—except the blood is still flowing and we're not sure it's done yet. Yes, Buffett's in at $312. Yes, the valuation looks tempting. But government policy risk just smacked UNH across the face, and fraud investigations don't disappear overnight. We're still watching, not buying—yet. If we pull the trigger, you'll be the first to know.

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STOCKS

👟 Nike Fires 775 Humans, Replaces Them With Robots

Nike just announced it's laying off approximately 775 employees to replace human labor with automation in its supply chain. Welcome to the future, where your job gets outsourced to a machine that doesn't need bathroom breaks or health insurance.

The details:

• Cuts concentrated in distribution and logistics (not corporate or retail)

• Primary impact: Tennessee (specifically Memphis) and Mississippi distribution centers

• Reason: "Accelerating the use of advanced technology and automation."

The context: This isn't a one-off panic move. Nike's been restructuring under CEO Elliott Hill (who took over in late 2024) to correct pandemic-era overbuilding. During COVID, Nike aggressively expanded warehouse capacity. Now that demand's normalized, they're stuck with too much space and too many people.

The investor angle: Wall Street generally likes this because it signals Nike's serious about defending profit margins. Replacing variable labor costs with fixed automation costs makes supply chains more resilient to wage inflation and labor shortages.

The Munch Take: Automation isn't coming—it's here. For investors, this is bullish for efficiency. For workers, it's a reminder that "job security" in logistics is becoming an oxymoron. If you're holding $NKE, this is marginally positive news. If you work in a warehouse, maybe start learning how to repair the robots taking your job.

MARKET OVERVIEW

🍿 Tasty Movers & Shakers

$PYPL Many investors think PayPal's a steal—down 75% over five years with a P/E of 11.35. But the flipside? Nancy Pelosi, whose portfolio makes Warren Buffett look amateur, just dumped 5,000 shares. When the oracle of Capitol Hill exits a position, you either buckle up or follow her out the door.

$CRM The US government just handed Salesforce $5.6 billion over 10 years to give the military access to Slack. The irony? I thought people joined the military to escape Slack notifications, not drown in them at taxpayer expense.

$META Zuckerberg committed to pay Corning ($GLW) up to $6 billion through 2030 for fiber-optic cables for Meta's AI data centers. Six billion dollars. For cables. We're in the wrong business. Corning's stock ripped 15% because selling glorified glass threads to tech billionaires is apparently the ultimate money printer.

🏎️ Porsche's closing 30% of Chinese dealerships after sales plummeted 52% over three years. The stock's down 33% in the past year. Turns out even German engineering can't survive a Chinese economic slowdown.

🥕 $AMZN Amazon's opening 100+ new Whole Foods stores. Translation? One hundred more places to spend $47 on organic kale and artisanal kombucha that photographs beautifully but tastes like cardboard.

TRADING SUCCESS

🤑 Wednesday Motivation

🚀 Pre-Market Fuel

1. 🇨🇳 China is buying a ton of gold.

2. 😥 Consumer confidence is the lowest since 2014.

3. 🤝 The EU and India made a trade deal.

4. 🚀 The Korean stock market is crushing it.

5. 🤑 He just bought $264 million of Bitcoin.

6. 👀 Was this insider trading?

🍪 Munchy Memes

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